if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
