i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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