note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
