you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
