1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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