I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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