I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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