I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
