Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
