Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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