I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
