shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
