I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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