and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
