He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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