I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
