wakey wakey hands off snakey
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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