every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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