i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize