3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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