Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
