if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You pole danced in your parka.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
