Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
