What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
