Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
