the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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