Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
