Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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