Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
