I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
