My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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