At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
