put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
