Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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