so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
