she looked like the bat from fern gully.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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