my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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