I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The power of my boobs compel you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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