The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
