Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
