If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize