I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
