Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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