i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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