you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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