You're so nebulous sometimes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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