My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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