Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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