Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
