someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize