did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
