As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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