i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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