Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
sarcasm needs its own font
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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