i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it glows. i had to have it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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