Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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