My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize